An emotional slurpee...

2 months ago I found out I was pregnant. 2 weeks ago I found out I had a miscarriage. Those are 2 sentences with a whole heck of a lot more emotion than this font is portraying.  It's so interesting how much you can feel and on how many extremes.  The human eye can recognize over 500 different shades of gray.  I think I can emotionally feel even more than that...in a day.  I've sat in the dirt eating greasy chicken head soup (no I did not mean chicken noodle, I'm talking the eyeball and everything) walking and sweating all day in Ecuador, pulled all nighters studying microbiology and cardiology to get my RN nursing degree in 2 years, I've run 4 marathons (ha ok, this is an obvious lie but it sounded good) what I'm trying to get at is nothing and I repeat NOTHING has shaken my snow globe of life or rocked by world like being a mom. Nothing.  It is emotionally, physically, and socially the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. Ever. Now I know to some women they would read that with scoffing eyes and shake their head with scorn and whisper "Motherhood wienie" under their breath but it's the honest truth.  It has been a really hard adjustment.  You may wonder, "What the heck can be so hard about wearing a nursing bra, hanging out all day watching baby einstein and busting out a little dinner before the breadwinner makes his triumphal entry?"

 Let me tell you that I realize that not all hard things are created equal and what is hard for me would be as easy as getting a gumball for the million of supermoms out there but for me, it has been hard. Really hard.  It has nothing to do with Liv. I love that little human being more than anything.  It's just that I don' t know if I fully comprehended what was in the job description of my destiny. It is the hardest, most challenging thing I have ever done. Ever. I don't think living in the middle of nowhere has really enhanced my experience either but let's just say it's been difficult so I was very apprehensive when I learned we were expecting again.

 Have you ever filled up a slurpee with a hybrid of your ultimate favorite flavors to the top so that it starts to ooze out the top and you get in a couple free slurps before you get to the counter and you get in the car and you just start swallowing like it's going to be fast Sunday in 5 minutes and then BAM it just hits you, a brain freeze that out of nowhere just slams your cerebellum and you don't even know what to think and you just have to wait patiently (as you simultaneously grab your forehead  and moan) to function and process what happened before you can move on.  I feel like when I saw the pregnancy test I had an emotional brain freeze and finally had processed what was happening and was getting excited, especially since my sister and best friend Em was due a month before me.  Everything was going great until 2 weeks ago when I started bleeding and when we went in and learned that we had miscarried, BAM another emotional brain freeze .  It's so interesting how quickly everything can change.   We learned in fact that I had a "blighted ovum" which means the baby stops growing but the sac continues to grow so it looks like a bubble on the ultrasound.

I had a D&C (no, not the scriptures)  that Monday and then spent the next day doing this with Liv (minus the bottle):

It made me think how many times things like that happen.  Emotionally you are completely prepared for something and have everything planned out and then, instead of having the fulfillment of all your meticulous plans, you see a bubble and it isn't at all what you were wanting and you might as well throw your planner in the trash.  I felt so thankful for Garrett who has a 4.0 husband GPA on his adversity patience report card.  When we were in the hospital getting ready for surgery he asked what he could do and I told him I just wanted shrimp so he drove all the way to Sams and bought $30 worth of shrimp for me to eat to my heart's content during recovery at home

I don't think I have ever held Liv tighter or kissed her more than I did that night.  I think I have only focused more on the hardness of motherhood and not realized how fulfilling and joyful it is to have a baby, my own baby.  I have complained like Laman's wife about the perpetual tiredness, the unattractiveness of nursing bras, the inconvenience of babysitting 24 hours a day without anyone to come pick up their child because you're the mother, and the complication of once simple tasks like going shopping without hauling an entire carry on that weighs so much it merits a chiropractic appointment. This crucial carry on  contains a plethora of vial accessories for the very likely possibility that the child will explode poop down their leg, randomly start shrieking and need some sort of over priced cheerio called a puff or perhaps a bottle, or get bored and need a cat toy looking distractor.  I think I've worried and stressed more about the challenges instead of soaking up the privilege it is to have such a effort required blessing. 

I think I must have checked on her at least 7 times the night I got home while she slept and just went in around 3 am just to hold her and cry and feel so full of gratitude for her little life that has such a big impact on every minute of my every day.

Sometimes I think Heavenly Father sends me emotional brain freezes to reset my brain and my spirit and help me see things differently.  Sometimes you get a bubble in your ultrasound of life and it's ok to be mad, to cry, to not know what to feel and then to eat a lot of shrimp.  I think it has been hard to go from working full time and feeling important and having a specific purpose and cause to feeling like I'm wasting time and not involved in a big cause or significant thing.  This quote below and this experience made me realize that I was so wrong and that what I really want, is what I have had the whole time.

"Brothers and Sisters, the most important 'cause' of our lifetime is our families.  If we will devote ourselves to this cause, we will improve every other aspect of our lives and will become, as a people, and as a church, an example and a beacon for all peoples of the earth. M. Russel Ballard"

RIP April...

What happened to April? I feel like if I was to be accurate on this years calendar I would just have to rip the whole rainy month out altogether because it went so fast I feel like all 30 days evaporated before my eyes.  It was by far one of the funnest months of 2012. We visited 3 different states and had some top highlights which will be elaborated upon later when Liv isn't wiping banana all over my legs as I type.  Last Saturday we suddenly decided that we needed a live plant.  I never want a pet so a garden and plants are as close as we will get.  We went to Lowes and bought our first tomato plant and chives.  I wouldn't give them a "thriving" status but they are still both surviving on our porch.

(Is it just me or is this the exact same head on two different bodies?)

I felt very spring-ish to be planting even though I hate tomatoes.  It's like planting puke and hoping it will grow.  Nevertheless, it is fun to look outside and see some green on our porch and have something for someone to water when we go on trips, it just seems like a grown up thing to do.

We will keep this motto in mind with our mini garden. Ok, it's too small to be considered a mini garden. With our one pot. One. Gar probably won't need to take the day off for our harvest season but you never know....

Bowling Time...

 For one of the grand finale hang outs we all went bowling. This clip is by far one of the most accurate descriptions of bowling, explains my sentiments and deserves your attention.  Nevertheless, it is always a good time and the competition between Mike and Stephen was intense...

 The music at bowling alleys always makes me feel nostalgic...like I'm at a sweaty rocking 9th grade dance.  The only thing that makes it worth it is the company since our scores were less than admirable. We stopped at Maverick for huckleberry ice cream (which they were out of) after to celebrate the victory.

(Once again, another family photo that I hope never makes it to a frame. No, Nick does not always wear his Sunday best for bowling, just his best games)  What we're trying to capture here is that we had a dang good time.

More Beehive State moments...

Did I mention that I slept in every morning while Liv and my mom bonded? I could definitely get into that arrangement for...oh the rest of my life.  Liv had her first petting zoo exposure and she is a fan.  Too bad her mother despises the entire animal kingdom so the only animals she will have are the pictures of animals she has in books.

(I really like Nick's creeper face, my Mulan eyes, Em's brontosaurus impersonation and the fact that Eevie clearly is chewing green gum; I'm hoping this family photo never makes it to a frame)

As if having a baby isn't enough growing up points, Mike decided to triple his score by buying a home. That's right ladies and gentlemen, Mike and Katie Savio are home owners.  It is such a perfect home for them and we spent one night putting up a fence and enjoying summer dinner in their massive backyard.

(I was feeling scared until I learned that Sheriff Tay brought a real gun. We were so safe putting up that fence that I had no need to fear after that).

 The next night we went out to dinner at Magelbys (thanks to Grandma and Grandpa) and then went to this massive gym like chuck e cheese for adults place where there is nothing but trampolines and foam pits and the girls watched a good show....

 

I may want this blown up life size because it makes me laugh so hard. You can't not love Stephen in a blue foam pit, especially since he plugged his nose before diving or jumping in every single time...

 

 We slept at Grandma's and enjoy 21 (or some healthy number of grains) grain pancakes the next morning.  I love this picture because everyone (minus grandpa) looks like they just got out of an exhausting surgery and completely hideous:

 The other nights were filled with games, doing nothing, laughing and loving it.

 I've never slept better knowing Tay was in town...

Elliot, Brian and Beth all came for dinner one night.  I really want to know what Brian is looking at.

I call this painting, a grandma sandwich, or a gramwich to be precise.  We loved going to Bountiful one morning and seeing Beth on her college eve and soaking up the Mom, Kody, Ell and Cyndi rays...

I couldn't get enough. It was non stop humans I love every day.  I just wanted G to call NASA and borrow a rocket (they're not using any of them anyway) and have him be with us.  We missed him bad. There's nothing better than being with people you love. Nothing. No burger from JCW's, no cruise to the Mexican Riviera, no Harry Potter ride at Disneyworld, nothing. It's the ultimate.

Easter in Lehi....

Since Utah is obviously close to Colorado, there was no way that Liv and I had trekked through our own Rocky Ridge in the sky and come so far only to go back without seeing the fam.  We couldn't have been greeted by a better sight.  I loved seeing Tay and Jeff even though it absolutely weirds me out that my two little brothers are both bigger than me.  Going home was heavenly. It feels so good to be surrounded in every room with the people  understand you, are weird just like you, make you laugh and have the same DNA as you and will love you no matter what.

Of course we cashed in big at the annual easter egg hunt. When the non Savio citizen hears there is an "egg hunt" they might naturally think of a peaceful outdoor setting with a cute basket as they dilly dally looking behind rocks and next to fences for brightly colored eggs.  Nothing could be further from the dynamics of the Savio family egg hunt.  The competition is stiff, the stakes are high, the prizes belong on a game show and the intensity and anticipation saturate the air like the humidity in Michigan in the middle of summer.  This year the teams were as follows:

Liv didn't have a clue what was going on and the fact that we were competing in the big leagues didn't help us survive the egg slaughter domination that Em and Jeff conquered but we did our best and in the end...it was just a tie anyway (also one of the consistent perks that drives Nick and Gar nuts) and we all walked away with prizes galore like we had just won the biggest game show on TV.

I loved the egg hunt. I loved just laying by the fire surrounded by family and laughing my guts out.  I loved holding Mike and Katie's new baby McKall. I loved playing games at the table. I loved late nights with tetris tournaments and trash talking. I loved watching Liv be an instant celebrity.  I love family.  I've said it before, and I say it again and again and again....family is everything.

So this one time we went house shopping in Denver...

So this one time Liv and I went shopping....for a house. Yes we did. We just hopped on a plane to Denver. Hold on; that sentence is very deceiving because it makes it sounds easy and effortless like we just ate some cotton candy and poof we arrived. Let's just say that is Liv's last flight until she has at least reached the age of accountability so everyone on the plane isn't giving me icy looks like the white witch on Narnia trying to freeze me in my chair as if Liv's squawking is a reflection of me as a person and a parent. I wasn't squawking. I was being reverent and fail to see why everyone was wishing there was a terrorist on the plane to bomb me when it was my traveling companion who failed to quietly enjoy the 5,000 foot altitude.  Let's just say we bought some benadryl and the flight back went much smoother.  I'll spare the details but let's just say I learned a very valuable lesson called never take a baby on a plane unless it's a private jet with a pilot who is as patient and jolly as Santa and loves wriggling squawking cheeio throwing babies. Ever.

 Liv loved the family as Grama and Grandpa could have earned their eagle with all the service hours they put in driving us back and forth, babysitting and looking at houses.

We ate Italian spaghetti and taught them the card game "golf" and grandpa was convinced that he could see through the cards if he used his x ray vision to pick just the right one...

I wanted to make Italian sodas and there was no flavoring at the grocery store there (which PS is called "King Soopers" which seems like such a ridiculous name for a business but I'm not complaining since I soon will be a frequent shopper, they can call it whatever the heck they want as long as it's not in West Virginia) and so I may or may not have stopped at my first liquor store to ask if they had any flavoring. After explaining several times at the drive thru what I was looking for and having the man with the soul patch and bald head stare we left. 

I have a hard time picking out a pair of jeans and I certainly had a much harder time picking out a house.  We didn't find one to buy, but we did have a good time and we can't wait to be in our future state, homeless or not.