A mighty change of heart....

The other day I was reading a magical wonderland blog.  You know, one of those blogs where the kids are always dressed in coordinating Baby Gap and looking like they should be on the cover of "Family Fun" every day, there are no love handles, the house is immaculate and with every word I read I feel 10 pounds heavier, 7 times lamer and my house feels 8 times messier.  Anyway, this particular post was about her new baby and she said, "Having a baby is like falling in love all over again."  Well, at that particular moment I was holding a shrieking Liv on my left shoulder because my right shoulder had a double layer of fresh white chunky surprise and mustard sauce that had oozed from the ineffective Costco brand (because it's 5.3 cents cheaper) diaper was on my leg.  I was wondering what in the motherhood world I was missing because I most certainly wasn't feeling like I was falling in love.  I felt tired, saturated in body fluids that were not my own and it seems like Liv was shrieking an extra octave higher.


I wondered what I was doing wrong that was causing me to miss out on this wonderful magical child rearing planet of bliss and perfection.  I looked down at my stomach that now looked like I was trying on skin 2 sizes too big and is the consistency of gak and realized that I did not find nursing bras glamorous, and hardly saw my weekly trip to the grocery store as exotic. Then I realized that Liv was not like the sack of flour we had to carry around in high school teen living class to try and help us keep the law of chastity and was over after 24 hours, nor was I simply babysitting for an extended weekend.  This was my new world. Spit up. Diapers. Cribs. Worrying if she was in the right percentile. Teradactyl screeching in public places. No sleeping in. Ever. Again. (Let that one soak in for a minute). Mustard Sauce explosions from her bum at the most inopportune times, everywhere.  My own gak belly pooch that doesn't tone no matter how many times I do ab ripper X, car seats, bibs, never going anywhere without a carry on suitcase with Mary Poppin pockets filled with all the accessories, unending laundry with body fluid soaked midget clothes. Perfecting the mom hip bounce that everyone stands in the back of the church and does to calm their own shrieking blobs that can't hold their heads up. Baby food. Expensive diapers that don't really contain the problem. For at least the next 20 years.  I thought that maybe I had signed up for the wrong destiny.

 That was then. I have had a complete change of motherhood heart.  It's like Saul to Paul mothering style. Just call me Kelsey because I am a new woman.

Maybe I just have late developing motherhood chromosomes because suddenly 4 months later I am in heaven.  I had no idea that 18 pounds could bring so much heavenly joy into my life and fill my soul in places I didn't even know were empty.

Who else flaps their arms like a bird trying to fly and  with anticipation when you walk in the room?  What better way to start the day than seeing someone in their baby cage that is so excited to see you that her legs start flutter kicking like she's training for an Olympic swim and her thunder thighs shake with excitement and she just grins because she knows that you're coming to pick her up? Trust me, if you've never had someone flap their arms and kick their legs when you see them, you should try it because it's very gratifying. Maybe I will start arm flapping when Garrett walks through the door.

 

I can't stop kissing her cheeks when she sleeps because they are so warm.  I love that she always has a nice thin veneer of drool on her chin and lips and sometimes she just smiles so big even though her eyes are closed and I always wonder if she's dreaming about heaven.

I love that she looks just like Garrett.  Maybe its because I have such a dominant foghorn personality that all my physical traits are recessive to compensate.  Em calls her Garrett-tina because she is him as 4 month old female.  She has his calm temperament and peaceful demeanor and I love every second of it.

I love her blue eyes.  I have always wanted a baby with blue eyes. My eyes are the color of Mexican mud.  There's nothing wrong with brown but I love blue. The most.

More than anything I love when she laughs.  I love to laugh.  I love when other people laugh.  I believe in laughing. I don't even have to say anything clever.  Usually I just have to make a Chewbacca gurgle or weird noise and she acts like it's the most hilarious thing she's ever heard in her whole 4 months of life. I love her laugh.

What I'm trying to say, is that the wonderland blog was right. Oh so right. Having a baby really is like falling in love all over again.  Even if it takes them getting out of their blob stage and 4 months of time.  I remember when Garrett and I were dating I would take my phone in the bathroom and put it right next to my pillow because I didn't want to miss a single text or the possibility that he would call.  I loved every minute and every detail of him and of us.  Being with Liv is the same feeling.  Every smile, every bath, every mustard sauce blow out, every time she's so tired so she's like a mold able doll and she curls up under my neck like a pet kitten (which I have never wanted, cats make me want to swear, but it just seemed like an applicable simile), every time I look back and she's just staring out the window in her car seat, I want to soak it all up.  I literally cannot get enough of kissing her neck, squeezing her thighs, burbling back in her weird baby talk, loving her, hearing her laugh, and watching her smile and change and grow by the hour.  This is heaven.  I thought I was happy before she was born but she has redefined what true happiness is.  She is our life and our light and the ultimate joy and purpose of our lives.  I love Olivia Mae Seibold. I still don't like the cottage cheese spit up and I do miss the distant memory of sleeping in but there is nothing in this world, nothing, that can or will ever compare to how it feels to have her. I love every single part of her.  It is a connection that is deeper than you can explain or comprehend because it is only understood by feeling it yourself. This is better than the best. Forever.