So much change, so little time...

When I was home in Utah I went and saw my cousins that I love.  We did a fast drive through to all 3 of their apartments at BYU I felt like I was in a time machine because suddenly I was transported to a totally different world that I forgot existed.  As I walked up condo row I could tell a ward prayer/stare had just finished because there were little pods of tiny never give birth hipped women flirting on the corner with their FHE brothers that they were acting like were just friends but they secretly were praying that they would be asked out and practiced signing their name with the boy's last name. I could tell.  We drove past Fat Cats bowling where I'm embarrassed to admit how many times I went their on dates bowling followed by the ever classic ice cream at hogi yogi after.  I listened to my beautiful intelligent cousin talk about upcoming graduation, boys, room mates, and possible future opportunities. I loved hearing all about it and was verbally squeezing her like a capri sun (is it just me or is that the most awkward container for sugary hummingbird juice that has cool flavor names?) for every detail. I felt so weird driving home because my life is so different now. No awkward blind dates. No checking myself in mirror before ward "take a cookie take a lookie" prayer. No more fat cats.  No more staying up until 4 am chatting with room mates about nothing and everything.

Some of the best memories of my life were on that BYU campus with 5 other trying to get married, menstruating, laughing fun women.  I passed the hole where we all used to live and talk about what it would be like to have our own homes some day and not have to pass cleaning check on Saturday mornings like we were 7 years old with a chore chart again and what it would be like to have a husband instead of some awkward balding forced conversation blind date every Friday night.  I remembered doing ridiculous spontaneous things with random people on a daily basis and basing every decision on the following question: "Will this be fun?" 

 I remembered how unbelievably fun it was to live with my sister Em and what it was like to just have money to spend on whatever the heck I felt like spending it on.

 I remembered how fun it was to just pick up and go on ridiculously spontaneous fun trips wherever you wanted without diaper bags. I remembered 3 summers ago how Jill and I just decided to go back to Ecuador and had the mother of trips just getting on buses, eating mangos, and doing whatever sounded the most fun at the moment (are we seeming a common thread here? The key word is fun).

I felt very nostalgic as I pulled back in to the house and realize that all of those things that used to be components of my life have completely evaporated. It's hard to feel worried about if you look super cute and attractive when this happens to your abs that you worked so hard to tone  (So you don't worry, Beth has a balloon, mine is authentic):

 As I came home feeling very sentimental I realized that all those things were not even a part of my life. Not at all.  We have student loan debt. We have a budget. We have to be home by 8 pm every night for Liv's bed time. Gar's best suit gets a fresh milk bottle stain every Sunday from Liv. Our romantic juicy dates are often redbox and the Walmart brand of popcorn with me explaining the end of the movie to G because he fell asleep.  I traded in 4 am chats with a room full of estrogen for 204 lbs of solid not chatting falls asleep in 3 minutes husbandness.  I own a nursing bra and look up things on the internet like how to clean your shower curtain and get urine stains out of carpet. My mind was reeling with how different my life was 2 years ago and how much has changed so quickly and so permanently, making singles dances seem as recent as the brontosaurus.  It has been so different and hard in many ways to adjust to not sleeping in, being a full time mom, moving to the middle of nowhere and not lighting the cook book on fire (from the early days of our marriage, a story of which I am not proud). As I was thinking about this, I walked in the house and like a spawning salmon without any conscientious thought, walked straight back to Liv's bed an saw this:

 I thought about  how much I love that little girl with the pink cheeks in her crib and how when she she wakes up she throws everything in her crib outside of it and will knock on the wood slats like they are a door and yell until I come get her.  I thought of how she makes me laugh so hard when she spits and gives kisses that are more like hickies and how everyone at the grocery store goes nuts when she waves "bye bye".  I thought about how there is nothing better than when she's still tired and I take her downstairs and we just rock and read some lame book without a plot, usually about a puppy named Spot and she's so warm and lets me cuddle her and kiss her neck. There's not a better feeling.  I thought about how much I love going to sleep at night next to G sometimes secretly cuddling even though he's asleep.  I thought about how much I love coming downstairs on a Saturday morning and G and Liv are making breakfast and then we just lay on the floor after because we're full of waffles and plan our day of doing nothing but being together while playing words with friends and tetris.  I thought about how I've never felt more loved or safe in my whole life and how good it feels to be married to the best man I have ever known and get to have the same last name, even if it is just watching half a redbox because we're both so tired.
Monkies look really cool in pictures. Staying up late every night was a blast. Traveling is fun. Dating was a lot of good free food. It's funny how when you finish a season of your life, you remember all the highlights and the hard things fade.  This season of life has different hard things but I would not trade where I am for all the monkies, fat cat bowling dates, ward prayers and trips in the world. Life is who you have in it, not where you go or what you do and I love who I have forever.