With the new year already not as new I am already feeling allergic to myself. Poor G asked how I was feeling 2 nights ago and I think he would have been much better off after prayers to fake sleep. It was like he brought a little sand pail and shovel asking for a little sand and instead got an entire emotional sand dune dumped on his head. I had a slight emotional eruption and crying ash and debris was flying every where as I blubbered from one topic to the other without any logical sequence. I first went into a fascinating dissection of how I will never be as organized or clean as G. If G organized a parking lot it would look like this:
I then started into how my post pregnancy pooch is like bread dough glued to my gut and how my thighs are not toned and how I do not feel attractive and in my mind I feel like if Liv and I went on a bike ride we look like this (keep in mind that when I am running on emotion with techron, all my images and opinions of myself and the world are grossly distorted but realistic in the moment nonetheless):
Then I finished up with all the things that I feel like I can't change because the same weaknesses have been my barnacle buddies my entire existence and I want to be so much better than I am. I was like a burbling guyser at yellowstone reeking of drama instead of sulfur as I then launched into a description about how I miss having friends and feel like I am in solitary confinement even though I keep the laws of the land and how being a mom is dang hard. I'm pretty sure I also gave a few shout outs of anti "living in the middle of nowhere" sentiments and how walmart is my source of social joy and interaction with some other irrational comments about how I am not the mother and wife I want to be.