Friday, October 21, 2011

If you're walking in bluefield, drink juice.

A few days ago G told me an interesting fact he learned while working in the ER.  He said that anyone walking around holding a coke was not thirsty but it is actually the sign that someone is a hooker.  Now that is a harsh word for a family friendly blog but there is no nice way of putting it unless you prefer the Biblical word, harlot. For some reason I found this hilarious.  First of all, I have never met a real live um, uh, ok, I don't like the word so I am going to call it a promiscuous citizen. Ever. So when I think of one I can only imagine a town like Las Vegas aka sin city where that kind of business thrives.  When I think of Bluefield, I can't imagine a less scandalous place in the entire continental United States.  Our main attraction here is the coal mine for crying out loud, not our exotic shows.  We have one movie theater and I think Redbox is ahead of the shows they get.
 (Liv's reaction after I asked her how she felt about living in Bluefield forever...)

Anyway, I also laughed because when I picture a H***er, I think of someone with spangle gold sequins, a cheap blond dye job and Santa red lipstick with curves.  May I remind the reader that West Virginia is third in the nation for the state with the most obesity per capita.  How do I put this?  Let's just say every time I go to Walmart I wonder who could possibly be ahead of us.  What I'm saying here is that the native citizen is not really what comes to mind when I picture a seductress from sin city.  SO, anyway, the only way to really know is if they are walking carrying coke (I still think they should be wearing gold sequins).  Suddenly coke has a whole new meaning to me... 
The reason this is a problem is because Liv and I often like to give rides to people.  We call it humanity awareness field trips and sometimes when we just can't do any more homemakerish skills (i.e. cooking things that don't look like the picture in the recipe book, cleaning our hamster cage size apartment,acting like I know how to iron when it just solidifies creases in the wrong places, etc. etc.) we get in the car and go see if we can help our species.  People use the buses a lot here so there are a LOT of people who are just out walking.  Now, G has given me very strict guidelines on the people I am allowed to give rides to because he does not want us to die or get lice.  I respect those guidelines but I cannot give up the practice.  I love it too much.  Here are some folks I would like to give rides to:

Anyway, Liv and I were feeling bad that the missionaries teaching pool was looking a little sparse so we decided to dedicate this humanity awareness field trip to some good old classic OYM time (open your mouth) and try to find them some new investigators.  Well, with this new bit of coke information, it was suddenly much more complex as Liv and I had to do a complete beverage search of each potential ride candidate before seeing if they needed a ride.  You never know who could be hiding a gold sequin dress of seduction under there common coat.  We were morality detectives and suspicious of all beverage carrying pedestrians.  The first lady we saw was holding a water bottle with a brown liquid inside.  It could have been coke. It could have been brown water. It could have been root beer.  How were we supposed to know?  This was getting far more complicated than we originally anticipated.  I thought it would be a bit odd to roll down my window and ask what the liquid was so we drove on.  Unfortunately we did not see a single scandalous sequin anywhere or coke.  We did see someone carrying a water bottle and I didn't know what that meant.  What if she was just a healthy promiscuous citizen?  We couldn't risk it.  We drove on. 

We did meet a 62 year old Protestant minister who tried to save us and luckily had found Jesus the year before. We also met a sweet older lady who looked like Michael Jordan's grandma, and a woman named Larue in a electric jack o lantern orange coat who walks two miles to work every day who had already met with missionaries and said that "no sir, she did not like them."  Oh well. So much for the white field harvesting.  I'm always amazed what people are going through and how resilient their spirits are to just keep walking, to keep going no matter what. 

So, as a word to the wise.  If you're coming to Bluefield, of course don't drink and drive, but also, don't walk and drink coke. If you happen to need a ride, (and you meet G's requirements) then you also know who to call.  Until next time, C&L's humanity taxi service signing off.

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