Wednesday, May 9, 2012

An emotional slurpee...

2 months ago I found out I was pregnant. 2 weeks ago I found out I had a miscarriage. Those are 2 sentences with a whole heck of a lot more emotion than this font is portraying.  It's so interesting how much you can feel and on how many extremes.  The human eye can recognize over 500 different shades of gray.  I think I can emotionally feel even more than a day.  I've sat in the dirt eating greasy chicken head soup (no I did not mean chicken noodle, I'm talking the eyeball and everything) walking and sweating all day in Ecuador, pulled all nighters studying microbiology and cardiology to get my RN nursing degree in 2 years, I've run 4 marathons (ha ok, this is an obvious lie but it sounded good) what I'm trying to get at is nothing and I repeat NOTHING has shaken my snow globe of life or rocked by world like being a mom. Nothing.  It is emotionally, physically, and socially the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. Ever. Now I know to some women they would read that with scoffing eyes and shake their head with scorn and whisper "Motherhood wienie" under their breath but it's the honest truth.  It has been a really hard adjustment.  You may wonder, "What the heck can be so hard about wearing a nursing bra, hanging out all day watching baby einstein and busting out a little dinner before the breadwinner makes his triumphal entry?"

 Let me tell you that I realize that not all hard things are created equal and what is hard for me would be as easy as getting a gumball for the million of supermoms out there but for me, it has been hard. Really hard.  It has nothing to do with Liv. I love that little human being more than anything.  It's just that I don' t know if I fully comprehended what was in the job description of my destiny. It is the hardest, most challenging thing I have ever done. Ever. I don't think living in the middle of nowhere has really enhanced my experience either but let's just say it's been difficult so I was very apprehensive when I learned we were expecting again.
 Have you ever filled up a slurpee with a hybrid of your ultimate favorite flavors to the top so that it starts to ooze out the top and you get in a couple free slurps before you get to the counter and you get in the car and you just start swallowing like it's going to be fast Sunday in 5 minutes and then BAM it just hits you, a brain freeze that out of nowhere just slams your cerebellum and you don't even know what to think and you just have to wait patiently (as you simultaneously grab your forehead  and moan) to function and process what happened before you can move on.  I feel like when I saw the pregnancy test I had an emotional brain freeze and finally had processed what was happening and was getting excited, especially since my sister and best friend Em was due a month before me.  Everything was going great until 2 weeks ago when I started bleeding and when we went in and learned that we had miscarried, BAM another emotional brain freeze .  It's so interesting how quickly everything can change.   We learned in fact that I had a "blighted ovum" which means the baby stops growing but the sac continues to grow so it looks like a bubble on the ultrasound.

I had a D&C (no, not the scriptures)  that Monday and then spent the next day doing this with Liv (minus the bottle):
It made me think how many times things like that happen.  Emotionally you are completely prepared for something and have everything planned out and then, instead of having the fulfillment of all your meticulous plans, you see a bubble and it isn't at all what you were wanting and you might as well throw your planner in the trash.  I felt so thankful for Garrett who has a 4.0 husband GPA on his adversity patience report card.  When we were in the hospital getting ready for surgery he asked what he could do and I told him I just wanted shrimp so he drove all the way to Sams and bought $30 worth of shrimp for me to eat to my heart's content during recovery at home
I don't think I have ever held Liv tighter or kissed her more than I did that night.  I think I have only focused more on the hardness of motherhood and not realized how fulfilling and joyful it is to have a baby, my own baby.  I have complained like Laman's wife about the perpetual tiredness, the unattractiveness of nursing bras, the inconvenience of babysitting 24 hours a day without anyone to come pick up their child because you're the mother, and the complication of once simple tasks like going shopping without hauling an entire carry on that weighs so much it merits a chiropractic appointment. This crucial carry on  contains a plethora of vial accessories for the very likely possibility that the child will explode poop down their leg, randomly start shrieking and need some sort of over priced cheerio called a puff or perhaps a bottle, or get bored and need a cat toy looking distractor.  I think I've worried and stressed more about the challenges instead of soaking up the privilege it is to have such a effort required blessing. 

I think I must have checked on her at least 7 times the night I got home while she slept and just went in around 3 am just to hold her and cry and feel so full of gratitude for her little life that has such a big impact on every minute of my every day.
Sometimes I think Heavenly Father sends me emotional brain freezes to reset my brain and my spirit and help me see things differently.  Sometimes you get a bubble in your ultrasound of life and it's ok to be mad, to cry, to not know what to feel and then to eat a lot of shrimp.  I think it has been hard to go from working full time and feeling important and having a specific purpose and cause to feeling like I'm wasting time and not involved in a big cause or significant thing.  This quote below and this experience made me realize that I was so wrong and that what I really want, is what I have had the whole time.
"Brothers and Sisters, the most important 'cause' of our lifetime is our families.  If we will devote ourselves to this cause, we will improve every other aspect of our lives and will become, as a people, and as a church, an example and a beacon for all peoples of the earth. M. Russel Ballard"


  1. If you wrote a book, I would read the entire thing a million times. You are such an incredible person...sandwiched between hilarious & well spoken, I'd say we have a genius on our hands. Keep being amazing, your full time job misses you, but this one is OBVIOUSLY better, I'm just glad I was able to experience the prior, firsthand! YOUR LITTLE FAMILY IS ADORABLE.

  2. What I was trying to convey is... your metaphors & perception of life make me REALLY miss your teaching of Seminary. I wish I could go back to sitting through your class three times daily. YOU ARE MISSED.

  3. I haven't seen you in FOREVER but I LOVE YOU!!! You're seriously the best and I look up to you!! Keep your chin up!